1. You sit down to watch your two-hours-and-five-minutes long film with your popcorn. One hour later, your popcorn is finished and you have managed to gain one thing from the experience of the film thus far… Edward is indeed a vampire. Just like they said in the trailer. Other exciting things that have happened one hour in- Bella goes to a local steakhouse for dinner with her Dad, Bella goes to school, it rains a lot, Bella looks at Edward ‘longingly’. Kristen Stewart instead manages to look like a serial killer, eyeing up her latest victim of choice.
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2. Continuing on the subject of ‘longing’ looks. The chemistry between the two main characters is equal to the chemistry I have with a beefburger. And I’m a vegetarian.

3. Kristen Stewart can’t seem to shut her mouth properly, it constantly hangs open. At first, I thought this was a rather good portrayal on her part of the way she is in awe of Edward’s ‘beauty’, but I did a bit of intellectual, thought provoking research (I read a few Celebrity gossip mags… Oooo. Get me!) and this is in fact the way Kristen looks all the time. This may not seem a big deal, but now I’ve pointed it out, everyone who reads this and has seen the movie / ignores my advice at their own peril and sees it will now see how truly irritating it is. And you’ll probably put a piece of sellotape over the screen where her lips are. Just like I did. I love brainwashing you guys.

4. Edward runs super fast. This is meant to be cool. It is hilarious. If you have to watch this film, flick back on your DVD and appreciate the idiocy of this moment more than once. Its the best part of the movie, so enjoy.

5. Edward runs super fast… up trees. And in doing so refers to his devoted girlfriend (complete with gaping mouth) as a spider monkey. Romance is not dead. Its undead.

(I am so ashamed of just writing that)

6. The vampire- a horrific foe of times gone by, a terror in the night, who can sparkle in the sun, and cook Italian food, and graduate, and play baseball, and drive posh cars and… Hold on a second!

7. Take the personality and acting ability of everyone in the film, put it together, and we have a piece of bread! Here it is, who wants it?

8. OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! Ok. Here it is. A fight scene. We’ve waited an hour and a half for this! WHAT?! Thats IT??!!!! The climax of this film lasts approximately three minutes. And during those three minutes you were probably in the kitchen, sticking the kettle on, thinking nothing was going to be happening any time soon. After all, it hadn’t for the last hour or so…

9. Robert Pattinson is not beautiful. He is not the most handsome man in the world. He looks ill, and needs a haircut. Fair enough, I see the whole vampire thing as a reason for being pale, but surely there is no excuse for bad hair?

10. One of the vampires is a doctor. Is this normal? I sure hope appropriate background checks were carried out before they accepted him into this position. I’m going to look more closely at my doctor, just in case. Oh, and to add insult to injury the vampire wife is unemployed. Terrible. She isn’t even trying to contribute to society.

11. In this film that is listed under ‘horror’ in the DVD section, one human dies. One. The terribly threatening ‘baddie’ vampires kill one person between the three of them. And that guy had it coming. He looked shifty. I reckon we were MEANT to feel bad for him, but our attempts at compassion are helped none by seeing him before he gets killed for about twenty seconds, in which we find out he was the town ‘Santa Clause’…. *eery silence*…

12. None of the lovely Cullen vampires drink human blood. They drink animal blood. So they aren’t vampires then, just carnivores… Any point in this film?

13. Edward is a complete idiot towards Bella at the beginning. But she loves him anyway. Now, young girls across the world, you too can fall in love with someone who trys to get moved classes to avoid you, and who holds his nose when you sit next to him, and who doesn’t speak to you. Its easy, its healthy, and it will end in true love………

(It won’t really)

14. ‘Say it’. Say what? When Bella says she knows what Edward is, he demands she say it out loud. ‘VAMPIRE!’. Ooo, all threatening and eery. He presumably wants her to remind him, as he has been considering point number 12.

15. Bella says she isn’t scared of Edward. This makes him angry, (probably because he is quite possessive, and likes to feel big and scary, and again he has been considering point 12 ) and he throws a tree. Lets push the ‘randomize’ button and see where it takes us next…

16. The film starts with Bella talking about dying. And showing a deer (thankyou, sweet randomize button). Bella does not die. And she does not turn into a deer. Shame. The deer had more facial expressions.

17. In book two, Bella throws herself off a large cliff when Edward disappears, after telling her he had found a ‘tasty looking vampire ho’ who would put out (he didn’t really say this, he said some rubbish about it not being safe for her, him being there. All very heroic of him). So, girls, lesson in love part 3. Your no-good, rude mannered, bad-haired boyfriend leaves you. Find a cliff. You are NOTHING without him, hear me? NOTHING!

18. In book two, Edward hears Bella tried to kill herself. So he tries to get himself killed. Suicide attempts all round. Good, clean, family fun, with that crucial huge dose of romance.

19. Despite these seemingly constant suicide attempts, noone dies. Nothing happens. Edward leaves then comes back. Oh, and Bella forgives him of course, and it turns out Joseph is a werewolf, and Joseph falls in love with Bella, and theres some more ‘baddie’ vampires but they don’t kill anyone. That’s it. I begin to doubt Meyer’s writing skills when I can sum up a book in one sentence. A long sentence, where there should probably be a full stop somewhere, but one sentence nonetheless.

20. When Edward disappears, Bella chums up with Joseph. Then Edward comes back, and poor, kindly Joseph is dropped. He’s soooooooooooooooo yesterdays news for Bella. Yet, throughout the following books Bella will continue to pick up and drop Joseph when it suits her. Bitch.

21. Bella is plain. In the book AND in the film. She is an average looking girl with nothing interesting to say for herself. But wait! It would appear that she has five fine young men vying for her attention. Ok, Meyer, games up. Stephanie Meyer is quite blatantly living out her childhood fantasies through Bella, who is also a terrible writer (probably)

22. Book three- Eclipse. Nothing happens. Nothing. So, my reasons for hating eclipse? ‘ ‘ Thats right… NOTHING! *grits teeth*

23. Book four- Breaking Dawn. Packed full of romance, and those ‘awwwwwwww’ moments that we all know and love. ‘Awwwww’ moment number one- Bella agreeing to marry Edward because she is desperate to sleep with him. Altogether now ‘Aww…’ wait, what?

24. For their honeymoon, Bella and Edward go to a private island. As happens a lot. Naaaaah! Only if you’re lucky enough to marry a bad haired vampire, who likes the smell of your blood! And who appears constantly physically pained at being unable to drink it. Sweet, sweet romance. Such a lack of it in our society today, then out pops the beauty that is ‘Breaking Dawn’.

25. Speaking of things popping out, Bella and Edward have a baby girl. Yaaaay! Finally, something innocent and lovely to come from this relationship! Oh, wait, theres something highlighted here, in my nerdy notes section… ‘Before she gives birth, Bella’s baby manages to break several of her ribs’…. *censored*.

26. Some of the vampires have super powers! Sadly, laser vision is not included. I, personally, would have loved to hear of Edward lasering a tree into non existence, instead of simply throwing it. Bella can protect people, which is pretty sucky compared to Edward’s ability to read minds, Alice’s ability to see the future, Carlisle’s ability to pass hospital background check’s…

27. Werewolves ‘imprint’ on their partner’s, meaning they become totally obsessed and loved-up. Joseph imprints on Bella’s baby straight after she’s born. *Another eery silence brought on by total shock at strangeness of implications*… Is this even legal?

28. Bella never does become that deer, instead she becomes a vampire. And also doesn’t drink human blood. Meaning she’s as bad as the rest, and we’ve read four books to find that ANOTHER carnivore has been created.

29. The writing throughout the books is appalling. We will have one eventful chapter, in amongst two dozen chapters of hearing about how wonderful looking Edward is. And how clumsy Bella is. And how its raining. Theres a lot of rain.

30. Reason 30. Totally taking a step away from the books and the film. The TwiFans. Who rip people like me to shreds on forums, who have posters of Robert Pattinson on their walls and kiss him goodnight, and cry when he doesn’t kiss back, who queue for hours to see one of his badly presented hairs from five miles away, and cry when he doesn’t wave to them. Some claim to be vampires. Some claim they will marry Robert Pattinson. Some claim to be able to make their mouths fall open in the same way as Kristen Stewart. They are obsessed, hormonal and scary. And some are over 40. And they must be stopped before R Pattz becomes world leader. This can and will happen.

Twilight is, in my eyes, the most over-rated movie of all time. Easily.
I do of course accept that people all have different opinions. I just think anyone who appreciates this kind of rubbish is odd. And has the intelligence of a fish.

I would also be more than happy to welcome fellow Twilight haters into my life, who will accompany me on my mission to rid the world of this crap once and for all! Through doing crazy attention grabbing things like climbing tall buildings, and saving rainforests.

TAKE THAT, STEPHANIE ‘WASTING A WEEK OF MY LIFE’ MEYER!

Oh. One more cheeky wee reason.

31. Googe image search Stephanie Meyer- Do you want to pay this woman’s mortgage?